Retails Of The Unexpected

Christmas is now officially on its bally way to us. There's lots of trappnigs that come with this time of year; gaudy decorations, a whole bunch of Christmas songs on the radio and - of course - shopping. Oh, so much shopping!

Whilst chasing the big radio dream I have been working in retail to keep me on the wrong side of poverty (or should it be the right side? Either way, that sentence basically means "I'm not doing a poor"). For eleven months of the year working in this environment is cheery, friendly and as a bit of a chatty bastard I like to be involved in it. But there is one particular month of the year when Hell comes to Earth and forms a queue behind the counter. That month, as you've probably guessed, is December.

Working in retail at Christmas is a thankless, hard-wearing existence because as far as shoppers go YOU are the only thing standing in their way of a wonderful Christmas. I always like to tell Christmas temps in retail that Christmas "will put hairs on your chest". In the last ten years since that first fateful Christmas at Electronics Boutique I have seen the best - and the worst - in all of society rear its ugly head at Christmas time. I've been grabbed by the shoulder by a customer more times than I care to remember, I've been shouted and bellowed at by my fellow man in a vain attempt to make the item their kid has demanded for Christmas somehow appear out of thin air and I've been called names by aggressive drunks that I have refused to serve. Thankfully, I've never been physically assaulted but I have friends who have been and I think that there is no excuse in the world that can explain away why it would happen.

I'm probably playing Devil's avocado on this one by leaping to the defence of the retailer, so I'm going to say that I have experienced shoddy customer service on the other side of the till as well. Salesfolk with bad attitudes and a low skill level can easily make a mild Christmas annoyance into a full-scale frustration. But never have I felt the need to shout and scream and stamp my feet at the person serving me. Those who stand there scanning items are a cog in a much bigger machine, you must understand. Chances are, they don't want to be there as much as you. Clearly this deeper level of consumer hatred should bond people rather than put them at odds.

Since it's Christmas, my message today is of peace and hope. When you throw your winter coat on to do your big shop for your loving children, take a moment to think of the plight of the retailer this Christmas, and follow these simple steps for a happier Christmas shop:

1. Do you shopping BEFORE lunchtime. Every single shop I've worked in through December is quiet as a doormouse before eleven o'clock, and then EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD decides to go get their shopping done at lunchtime. This means that there are queues stretching into different Postcodes and your three item pick-up will become a four hour Albion. Do what I do - blag a morning off work, get into the shopping centre at 9:01. You have an entire WORLD of Christmas delights to choose from and not an angry mother with seventeen kids or confused pensioner in sight. If you said mother or pensioner, then you have no excuse not to be shopping nice and early!

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2. Expect the worst. Every Christmas there are certain toys, games, books, CDs etc that just go like gangbusters. They'll fly off the shelves and the store is left bare of the "new craze" with no idea of when they will be coming in. On a side note, when a staff member says "we don't know when they're coming in" they mean it. Major companies will not reveal dates and times of deliveries of popular product in case they cannot meet demand so it is literally pot luck. Do not accuse a sales person if lying when they say that they don't know when the Nintendo Wii will be back in stock. So if you go into a shop and they don't have what you need then you need to be patient and hopeful because causing a scene and telling me that I've just ruined Christmas for your daughter (which actually happened to me) will not get a Wii Console in your possession any quicker. Plan Christmas earlier or stop moaning about how complicated "that computer" is and buy it online if you're that desperate. This brings me to:

2a. AMAZON WILL NOT STEAL YOUR MONEY! I suggest Amazon to customers because overall they are the most trustworthy of people if you buy new stock through them. If you can learn to operate the computer and put a bit of faith in secure online shopping then Christmas will be so much happier. But if you insist on laughing at me saying "I can't use that computer thing!" then you may have an issue on my hands (CASE STUDY: A man wanted a song to play at a wedding. I told him he could either buy said song on iTunes for 79p or he could order the only compilation we had featuring that song for £19.99. Guess which one he went for? Yep, you guessed it! It's great - we made £19.99 and this guy didn't have to worry himself with technological advances...everyone's a winner)

3. Manners, Manners, Manners. In retail, we're trained to be polite and friendly to customers by saying please and thank you. In return, we hope to get the same. This is the least of my problems over Christmas because most people seem to say it even if they don't mean it. I prefer a false "cheers" to a sneer and a "hopefully I won't come back again!" - especially if I've spent the last ten minutes trying to decipher what DVD you want that features "that man who did that thing...it's got a yellow cover and his name is two words 'something something'".

I will stop now because I can feel myself getting preachy and I can taste bile rising in my throat. What I will end with is this: retail workers are the finest people to have never served in a war. They toil long hours getting brow beaten by insecure senior staff and customers alike at this time of year and a simple smile and a lot of common sense would go a long way.

I would like to end this rambling with a very personal message. I spent the last few Christmas times with the exception of this one working for HMV. Yeah, Christmas at Britain's most popular music and DVD store is not a bed of roses. I have Vietnam-like flashbacks to staring down the barrell of a queue sixty, seventy, eighty people deep knowing that I was still seven hours away from the comfort of a cup of tea and a blanket. The idea gives me chills even now. To everybody reading this who has been in that position, then you are Gods and Goddesses among men and I salute you all. I will be going out for a pint in the next few days...though I cannot be with you, I will raise my glass to one and all. Bless you, retailers! Bless you!

Escaping Your Garlic Bread-And-Butter

Britain’s most successful comic has announced that he will be doing twenty dates in Manchester next year, marking his return to the stand-up world. Many have jumped up with joy at the thought of seeing Mister Peter Kay back on the stage, whilst his peers seem to be outraged by the thought of the “money-grabbing” Peter back on the circuit.

Crazy isn’t it? How the man who brought all those wonderful childhood memories flooding into the public conscience and sold millions of pounds worth of DVDs and merchandise is somewhat reviled by his fellow comedians? In the early noughties Peter Kay was considered groundbreaking with his observations that made us all realise that we weren’t as alone in our thinking as we thought. My granddad owned a Ferguson Videostar with a remote control on a wire, and my friend had grandparents who sat in a different room when they recorded off the TV. I’ve been to many a wedding reception and Peter Kay has the entire sordid affair absolutely spot on!

So where does this angst about Peter come from? Comedians and many comedy fans are disillusioned on the man because he has spent the years since his arrival living off the same material. Many would argue that he wrote two sitcoms in that time, but how many of those shows are built on the gags we first heard on that “Top Of The Tower” DVD we all have on our shelf? A lot of them, that’s for sure! This is a debate that I know people will have with me for some time, the artistic merit of “Phoenix Nights” and “Max and Paddy”, neither of which I was a major fan of. But my big issue with Peter Kay comes from his shameless, blameless merchandise hocking. I will explain...

When I worked at the mighty Nipper-fuelled HMV I notice a pattern – the month before Christmas every comic would have a brand new DVD on the shelves; be it a sitcom series, a stand-up show or some brand new straight to DVD special ala Johnny Vegas’s “Who’s Ready For Ice Cream?”. Three years ago, Peter Kay’s offering to the Christmas shoppers was “Stand Up U-Kay”, a collection of snippets from the live tour he did a few years ago with members of the public doing their best impressions of the big man. An eyebrow or two was raised over this one; a selection of clips from a tour that finished last year? Okay, well they can’t all be gold. We’ll let this one go.

A year later, Peter Kay released “Special Kay” on DVD. If “Stand Up U-Kay” was an insult, this was a kick in the balls. Fans of Mr. Garlic Bread were dying for some fresh stand-up material from the comedy mastermind. Instead, what they got was a selection of chat show interviews, the John Smith’s advertisements he did several years ago, and a music video from his fictional “Pop Factor” counterpart Geraldine. A lot of customers I spoke to whilst at HMV were confused. “Is there any new live stuff on ‘ere?” asked one woman, which I had to reply with the negative. She sighed and said “Well, that’s what he’s asked for.” That there is the problem, despite the disgraceful barrel-scrapings on this disc it was one of the highest selling DVDs of Christmas 2008!

This year, I didn’t think we’d see anything on the shelves from Peter Kay with the exception of his CD single until I saw the advert on TV. What is LOWER than scraping the barrel? Why, BOX-SETS OF COURSE!! If you avoided the previous two years of pointless content, you can now get them both in a “superb comedy pack”. This is beyond the pale now, and has really switched me off Peter Kay.

If you want to share your views on this, don't go to the Peter Kay website because up until recently, peterkay.co.uk took you to a basic online store where you could give Mister Kay money for the priviledge to wear a T-Shirt that said "Garlic Bread?". Very nice. Very 2003!

With his impending live dates in 2010, I really do hope he’s spent the last few years writing new material. It seems that his first big tour several years ago not only emptied the well of comedy material – but he smashed the bucket, cut the rope and took a sledgehammer to the brickwork. There isn't a drop left of Peter Kay's original writings that one can squeeze out so it's time to fix the well and fill it once more! In order for Peter Kay to redeem himself in the eyes of his comedy fraternity and fans like me, I think those twenty shows in January need to be as far away from garlic bread, wedding receptions and “our nan” as possible. If Kay wants to prove his real comic mettle, 2010 needs to be a marquee year for him.

And I really, really wish him luck!! Because I like Peter Kay and I want him to make me laugh again.

Twit Brother Is Watching You...

I've become concerned about this Twitter thingamabob.

Previously, people have been upset that Facebook is "watching" them! That it targets adverts on the side at key words you put in status updates in the hope that you'll click it and give the owners (probably Jonathon Face and Stevie Book) some pennies. I'm less concerned with Facebook's watchful eye and moreso with that of the Twitter monitor (or TWonitor as it will inevitibly be called).

This comes from a conversation I was holding via Twitter with a friend of mine who was complaining that Shag Bands are being banned (those obnoxious things ten year olds wear to prove how far they have gone with a boy). I made the response back that selling Shag Bands are no better than going into ASDA to buy a 5-year-old's size shirt that says "Sex Symbol" or something. It was a very flippant observation in the heat of a debate.

I thought no more of this until I had a message from ASDA THEMSELVES who had been monitoring my conversation with my friend as soon as I typed those incriminating four words...ASDA! They said that they wanted to know immediately which store I saw this offensive shirt in and they would contact them ASAP. Suddenly my simple, comical comment to a pal was turned into a potential sacking! The fact that ASDA took the time out to comment me many people will think is good because it shows that they are concerned about customer service. But if they had taken a little more time to read the post before erupting in their pants they would have probably come to the conclusion that is was a remark not to be taken seriously.

With the amount of people tracking key words and phrases on Twitter using that handy dandy search feature it means monitoring people is quick and easy (hence how ASDA man got ahold of me) and allows them to slidle into any given conversation and grab you by the virtual shoulder.

Whilst I am concerned I will continue to use Twitter. I like the service, but am now extremely wary of how my words are being used.

Cow Discuss...Twilight

Here Come The C*nts!

I’m beginning to feel like such a Scrooge. I am genuinely resenting the amount of Christmas adverts currently on TV in the middle of November. I’m more bothered by the fact that they started in October!

Already, the usual suspects have their thirty seconds of Christmas retail shoulder-nudging...Argos, Morrison’s, Lidl (Who would have thought it was pronounced Lee-Dull!?) and Boots. Oh yes, Boots.

Here come the girls!

Here come the girls indeed!

This advert is the single most obnoxious thing on television at the moment. It drives me mental every time it comes on and demonstrates everything that frustrates me about Christmas. I will break this advert down frame by frame because – let’s face it – I’m not doing a whole lot else productive right now (even though I SHOULD be)


- We’re off!! Three million overdressed, overexcited women pile in throwing their coats on that poor waiter bloke. This is a work do, I’m lead to believe. I’ve never been to a work do that is THIS bubbly and enthusiastic. WHY ARE YOU RUSHING INTO THE DAMN BUILDING! You’ve got all night to make false pleasantries, take your damn time.


- And here comes the pressies, all bought from your local Boots retailer. Perfumes aplenty for the two ugliest trolls in the group hoping that they will either a) win the charms of the man who two seconds ago they tried to kill in a mountain of fake fur, or b)cause the man to suffocate to death so they can have their wicked way with him. The only way that piece on the LEFT is getting any is if her love partner is non-commital and unconcious.


- I have absolutely NO IDEA what this woman is given. Bath products? Whatever it is, she’s FAR too happy about it! I imagine that considering the beasts from a moment ago got perfume and she got shampoo this is obviously a smelly bunch of tartlets.


- CHRIST!! The pastiest scariest woman in the “gaggle” is given fake tan which is apparently the funnies thing since Monty Python’s Life Of Brian.


- Oh wait, she’s back from her holidays. Oh wait, no, it’s that brilliant fake tan from Boots. Oh the hilarity of it all!


- More cleaning product, smelly bitch! Maybe a mask too, perchance?

- Good to see Andrew Collins getting some work though.


- This man is dicing with death, drowning in a sea of estrogens but loving every minute of it. I reckon this is the quiet bloke from I.T who only surfaces to fix these cringeworthy tosser’s PC’s when “the clicky fing stops workin’!” What he does prove is that shaving ones beard will get the attention of hyperactive women everywhere...smug bastard!


- She’s pregnant look! A sobering moment for the gang...especially considering the father is probably Steve from accounts who’s not there because he has “lots of damn paperwork”. When I say “paperwork”, I mean “sex with his receptionist”.


- Quick, moment of celebrating hope and new life is over because SHE’S GOT SOME BASTARD MAKE-UP and Richard from HR simply CANNOT adam and eve it!


- This is the sort of thing government are putting on billboards, next to the slogan “Stop binge drinking you utter pricks, look at the state of ya!”


- This poor waiter is back on the scene and is terrified by the concept of a straightener. I hope he’s on double-time tonight, he deserves it being surrounded by this giggling, simpering nightmare!


- Ohh, bless, they got him a present. This is the moment I think this advert finishes me off.


- He open the gift, and it’s a key to “Bev”’s heart/flat/vagina.


- And there’s Bev, with all the subtlety of a moose in a bathtub. This woman is wretched and I think the only lady of the female persuasion I want to punch very hard in the head.


- And they’re off. They’ve eaten nothing, drank nothing, but all need to make sure they are at their peak tartiness before exiting. Did they really just rent a restaurant so they can lark about like that. How much money did the company give them per head for this Christmas do? Not enough I would conclude!


- And off they go, singing their own theme tune, linking arms in the direction of McDonalds. And off my television screen.
So why did I feel the need to make a pop at Boot’s Christmas tradition? This entire scenario drives me mental; the giggliness, the stupidity and the stereotypical presentation of women just acting like floozies. If this makes me a Christmas miser...then bah, Humbug!

You only live once...so pass us another beer!

Recently I was invited, via the glory of Facebook, to join a group titled "Worcester's Biggest Piss Up". Not much mystery surrounding this one - Worcester's classier Pearly Kings and Queens invited to get hammered beyond all recognition in the name of record-breaking. Many, of course, were leaving excited comments about this forthcoming Tour De Force of Wankery. But one recurring theme ran through all of these excited keyboard mashes. Seemingly, a sincere tone of how important this event was and how immortality would shine on those who take up the challenge. This drinking nightmare was a good idea because, quote "you only live once".

What should be such a meaningful phrase denoting how life is to be grasped every second has been hijacked by a lot of unsavoury characters to justify anti-social behaviour. I've heard people in pubs belch "LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST" as an argument for why they should definitely get on a train, go to Hereford, meet their mate in a pub and "get fucked up and raise all Hell".

You never ever hear people say "I'm off skydiving...after all you only live once" or "I'm heading to the deep African jungle, there's BOUND to be a cancer cure in there and I want to find it, because you only live once". Nope, this phrase is ALWAYS used to justify heavy drinking and general dickery.

I think people should stop using this phrase and replace it with something more honest, closer to the truth. I detest when people say "I'm going to the nighclub, get pissed out of my tiny little mind then shag some nondescript tart draping something vaguely resembling dignity over her knickers because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE AND YOU SHOULD TREAT EVERY DAY AS IT'S YOUR LAST".

What I would prefer is "I'm going to the nighclub, get pissed out of my tiny little mind then shag some nondescript tart draping something vaguely resembling dignity over her knickers because I'M A FUCKWIT AND IT BEATS ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES". We happy few gain the mortality-checking quote back, and you get alcohol poising and an STD. Everyone's happy...after all, you only live once!

You Say You Wanna Revolution?

EDW Wrestling is Ready for a REVOLUTION!

Friday October 9th sees the Return of the Hardest-Hitting, Most Action-Packed Flat-out Awesome Wrestling Action Around!
2 Hours Of Pure Entertainment, Don't Believe Us? Then You Haven't Been!

EDW Stars set to appear include "Players Club' Own" EDW Champion Jayme Future, Joey Sanchez, Marion Ford, Freakshow, "Love Muscle" Lee Russell, EDWards, and many more!

Once again, I shall be getting all the crowd whipped into tedium as your least favourite ring announcer...so why not pop by and see us?

Friday, October 9th

The London Road Sports Centre, Shrewsbury

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=280896305264

Some Shrewsbury Wrasslin' Goin' On!

EDW WRESTLING RETURNS: Monday 24th August 2009!

We are thrilled to officially confirm the return of EDW Wrestling LIVE to the London Road Sports Centre in Shrewsbury!

Last months show ended in controversy as the "Players Club" of Templeton Cruise and The Damage conspired and cheated throughout to hand Jayme Future the new EDW World Championship during the main event at the expense of his opponent - fan favourite Joey Sanchez.

Tyler Hazzard will hope to capitalise on his growing momentum as the no.1 contender for Jayme Future's newly-won EDW World Championship, as the two collide in the main event!

Further matches to be confirmed, announced here first!

Doors open at 7.15pm, event kicking off at 7.45pm. Tickets are £4.50 a head and £3.50 for concessions. Soft drinks and refreshments will be available on the night

PS: Tom Campbell will be the ring announcer and he'll be wearing a sexy suit and be asking the ladies to form an orderly queue outside the door so they can agree with me all on it, thanks.

EDW on the Interwebs