You only live once...so pass us another beer!

Recently I was invited, via the glory of Facebook, to join a group titled "Worcester's Biggest Piss Up". Not much mystery surrounding this one - Worcester's classier Pearly Kings and Queens invited to get hammered beyond all recognition in the name of record-breaking. Many, of course, were leaving excited comments about this forthcoming Tour De Force of Wankery. But one recurring theme ran through all of these excited keyboard mashes. Seemingly, a sincere tone of how important this event was and how immortality would shine on those who take up the challenge. This drinking nightmare was a good idea because, quote "you only live once".

What should be such a meaningful phrase denoting how life is to be grasped every second has been hijacked by a lot of unsavoury characters to justify anti-social behaviour. I've heard people in pubs belch "LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT'S YOUR LAST" as an argument for why they should definitely get on a train, go to Hereford, meet their mate in a pub and "get fucked up and raise all Hell".

You never ever hear people say "I'm off skydiving...after all you only live once" or "I'm heading to the deep African jungle, there's BOUND to be a cancer cure in there and I want to find it, because you only live once". Nope, this phrase is ALWAYS used to justify heavy drinking and general dickery.

I think people should stop using this phrase and replace it with something more honest, closer to the truth. I detest when people say "I'm going to the nighclub, get pissed out of my tiny little mind then shag some nondescript tart draping something vaguely resembling dignity over her knickers because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE AND YOU SHOULD TREAT EVERY DAY AS IT'S YOUR LAST".

What I would prefer is "I'm going to the nighclub, get pissed out of my tiny little mind then shag some nondescript tart draping something vaguely resembling dignity over her knickers because I'M A FUCKWIT AND IT BEATS ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES". We happy few gain the mortality-checking quote back, and you get alcohol poising and an STD. Everyone's happy...after all, you only live once!

You Say You Wanna Revolution?

EDW Wrestling is Ready for a REVOLUTION!

Friday October 9th sees the Return of the Hardest-Hitting, Most Action-Packed Flat-out Awesome Wrestling Action Around!
2 Hours Of Pure Entertainment, Don't Believe Us? Then You Haven't Been!

EDW Stars set to appear include "Players Club' Own" EDW Champion Jayme Future, Joey Sanchez, Marion Ford, Freakshow, "Love Muscle" Lee Russell, EDWards, and many more!

Once again, I shall be getting all the crowd whipped into tedium as your least favourite ring announcer...so why not pop by and see us?

Friday, October 9th

The London Road Sports Centre, Shrewsbury

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=280896305264

Some Shrewsbury Wrasslin' Goin' On!

EDW WRESTLING RETURNS: Monday 24th August 2009!

We are thrilled to officially confirm the return of EDW Wrestling LIVE to the London Road Sports Centre in Shrewsbury!

Last months show ended in controversy as the "Players Club" of Templeton Cruise and The Damage conspired and cheated throughout to hand Jayme Future the new EDW World Championship during the main event at the expense of his opponent - fan favourite Joey Sanchez.

Tyler Hazzard will hope to capitalise on his growing momentum as the no.1 contender for Jayme Future's newly-won EDW World Championship, as the two collide in the main event!

Further matches to be confirmed, announced here first!

Doors open at 7.15pm, event kicking off at 7.45pm. Tickets are £4.50 a head and £3.50 for concessions. Soft drinks and refreshments will be available on the night

PS: Tom Campbell will be the ring announcer and he'll be wearing a sexy suit and be asking the ladies to form an orderly queue outside the door so they can agree with me all on it, thanks.

EDW on the Interwebs

"Every day takes you one step closer to the end but one step further from High School" - Sam Beaven, 2006

Dear Tom,

Hi matey...how you getting on? Sorry I've not written to you in a while. Mind you, you're the Tom Campbell of 1998-99 and I'm the Tom Campbell of 2009. So I guess whatever time I write this letter won't make any difference at all.

I'm writing to you to tell you that everything's going to work out alright. We've got this thing in the future called Facebook, and on it many people from our High School have put photos from your year. I'm 25 now (I know, getting on a bit!) and can see with my good-side-of-thirty eyes that the bullies and the popular kids aren't all that you think they are. Their popularity and their power still astounds me even to this day (especially the tiny little one with no hair, and the blonde one with the thick glasses...both of which have a major attitude problem that I know gets on your nerves) so you're not alone in that respect. In fact, when you come out of School you will meet many people in College who came across the same things. Then you'll go to University where the people will be nice but the teaching will be shit...but that's another story for another time.

Things pan out just fine for us. Gets a little bit rocky at times but nothing you can't handle. In a few years you'll get the job you dreamed of, meet the girl you always knew was out there (you know, the kind, funny, friendly one who didn't just laugh at you when you asked them out. You will meet a few in the meantime who are rather fabulous too) and even get a place of your own - something I know we could NEVER imagine that day last week when you were thinking about it REALLY HARD, but then had to go have your Ingrown Toenail operated at Bupa so you didn't think about it again. I digress.

And as for the popular kids and the "cool" kids...some will try and talk to you after school and pretend that they didn't treat you like rubbish. The rest will spend their days writing online about how much they miss school and how it was the best years of their life. Chances are their life hasn't turned out quite as they hoped, but I know neither of us are really that bothered by them. It's totally your call if you want to invite them in, but chances are they won't do much to enrich your life, or indeed anybody elses. Best let them get on, but I'll leave that with you.

The point is, the popular kids really aren't as cool as you think they are and once you walk past the bike sheds and out of the main gates for the last time the "popularity" thing is worth as much a chocolate money in a bookies. You'll find your way. In the meantime don't stop drawing Sonic The Hedgehog and keep listening to Eiffel 65.

Oh, and for God's sake practise your Maths. We've got three GCSE retakes to get through!

See you on the beach.

Yours,

Tom

Currently experiencing Teknikal Diffikulties...

Cayenne Chris Conroy, the genius writer behind the Teknikal Diffikulties comedy series has turned his hand to sci-fi once more with The Account. Cayenne asked me to be in it...surprisingly, as a radio presenter. How could I pass this up? Have a listen to my excitible acting prowess (and some awesome audio science fiction) over at TekDiff.com. Show Cayenne some online love (no, not THAT sort of online love...ewwww, put it away, it's all drippy) on Twitter.

More Wrestling Fandom Shame...

So I did a big moan about the "new" wrestling fans a while back...

...I take it all back...I would accept returning fans to some of the current superfans of the wrestling world, with this angsty little bastard below at the top of the Shit List.

As a wrestling fan, I accept any beatings you wish to throw my way.

Ade and Abetted!

The very charming Adrian Edmondson joined me on The Severn's Breakfast Show this week. For you lucky, lucky bastards...here's the full interview in all it's uncutness.